Yesterday was perhaps the saddest day of my life.
My precious baby bird, Pony passed away. Yes, she was still a baby.
It was a pretty terrible accident that I do not want to dive into detail on, but needless to say, I am very torn up inside. Naturally, I’ve been blaming myself for the whole thing. I’ve also been coming down pretty hard on myself for not being there to save and protect her- to stop this situation from happening.
This is probably one of the worst feelings ever. I relive finding her body like a never ending nightmare that I can’t wake my conscious from.
Brandon and I are both shook up and can’t believe this is our reality right now. I wander to her cage (which we have a sheet draped over now because the sight of her cage without her being there is heart wrenching) and whistle and talk to her like she’s still there. I apologize profusely to this empty cage hoping it’s my last gateway to communicating with her to let her know that I loved her no matter what and I can’t be sorry enough for what happened.
The point of this entry is to demonstrate that writing is a great emotional outlet. When you are sad and feel like you can’t speak to people around you about your problem, just write about it. Whether it’s physically picking up a pen, or just opening a blank word doc. It’s like a brain dump when your mind just gets too overwhelmed with thoughts, that you just need to flush them out.
I’ve used writing as a way to think my craziest thoughts out. Ones that we’re completely self sabotaging, that I had to lay it down to myself by writing in huge caps and telling myself to shut up, I’m overreacting.
I found writing to also help reduce levels of stress that I feel when thinking about a particular person. Here is an example: Let’s say you have a friend that you are fighting with, or have something you want to say to them, but you can’t exactly say EVERYTHING you want.
Here is what you do: Write them a letter. You don’t actually have to send them this letter, nor does anyone else but yourself have to read it. The point is getting what you want to say out of you. I promise you that it will make you feel a ton better, even though you aren’t actually saying any of it to that person. It just relieves your mind from the burden of holding on to all these things you want to say and all the emotion that rises up.
Try it next time you feel stressed or angry or sad towards anyone, or anything.
I’m going to write a letter to Pony. I know it may sound silly, since she’s a bird, but I feel this gaping hole inside me that feels so responsible for what happened that it’s hard to write this without breaking out in tears all over again. I want to express how sorry I am for what happened to her and that I never ever meant for her to get hurt while we were together. At this point, I am so sad about what happened, I am really hoping that this letter will be the turning point for me to start looking for the good behind this situation.
I am a huge believer that in every situation, there is some sort of good that comes out of it. It’s hard for me to see that in this situation, but I have huge faith in the universe.
We do plan on getting another parrot over the next few months; one that looks just like her. We know it will never be her again, but it’s the best we can do to fill the void of her being taken from us so soon.
The best that I can hope for is that she is hanging out with her original mom, Erica. [Pony was a gift to us from Erica, who developed a terrible asthma from her birds, which ended up taking her life.] I hope that the Universe has reunited them in the great cosmos where there are no allergies and asthma, and Erica can finally reunite with one of her babies.
Hanging in there,